Question and Answers with Eric and Leslie about The First 90 Days of Marriage

Why are the first 90 days of a marriage so critical to its success?

The beginning of a marriage is the “wet concrete” stage; the time when the tenor of the marriage relationship is still malleable. In the first 90 days of marriage, we haven’t yet become “set in our ways.” The habits we form in this time can either set the stage for success or failure. The first three months give us such a great opportunity to form the right habit patterns for communication, conflict resolution, and daily lifestyle issues. If we lay the right foundation during this crucial time period, we start our marriage right and set ourselves up for success. If we fail to take advantage of those early months, it doesn’t mean our marriage is doomed, but finding martial success will be far more of an uphill battle later down the road.

Leslie, what is the biggest mistake that women make during this time?

So many of us as women fall into the trap of thinking that once we are married, our life will be perfect and our dreams will be fulfilled. It is easy for us to look to our husband to meet all of our emotional needs, and become disillusioned and disappointed when he fails – as he certainly will. We begin to nag, control, and manipulate – focusing on our husband’s shortcomings rather than delighting in him. As women, finding our fulfillment and security first and foremost in our relationship with Christ is crucial. When we are looking to Christ to meet our deepest needs, it frees us to approach our husband selflessly rather than selfishly – it keeps us from looking to a mere human to meet needs that only Christ can truly fulfill. Of course, there are plenty of physical and emotional needs in our life that were meant to be fulfilled by our spouse – but a marriage relationship can only be truly successful when our relationship with Jesus Christ comes first.

Eric, what is the biggest mistake that men make during this time?

Most guys don’t realize that romancing a girl’s heart in the pre-marriage years is completely different than romancing a wife’s heart for a lifetime thereafter. Once the honeymoon is over, we often begin to take our spouse for granted. We can easily become self-focused and insensitive without even realizing we are doing it. We have already won our bride’s heart, and we often think that our romantic task is over. We must realize that now our job is to cherish our wife’s heart; to value and appreciate the amazing gift she is to our life and to continually pursue knowing her more and more. God never intended romance to die after the honeymoon. In fact, He designed marriage to only get more and more beautiful with time. But as men, we must take the lead. We must never stop romantically pursuing our wife’s heart.

Obviously, your marriage is a picture of a thriving marriage, not just surviving. Looking back on your first 90 days of marriage, what would you have done differently? (please give me a response from each of you)

Leslie: During our first three months of marriage, we had a comedy of trials hit us all at once. Right after we were married, I moved from my comfortable suburban home in Colorado to join Eric in Michigan. It was the middle of winter and we were living in an old creepy house on a frozen lake in sub-zero temperatures in the middle of nowhere. Eric left for work everyday and I was stuck there alone with no car, and not another person within miles. There was a family of raccoons living in the fireplace that would fight and make noise all day long, and eventually the house became infested with fleas because of the raccoons – you could actually see the fleas jumping out of the carpet! I began to find flea bites all over my arms and legs. To make matters worse, I came down with a horrible bronchial infection that kept me in bed for a month. Because of the severe cold, our pipes froze and burst, flooding our kitchen with water and rendering our washing machine useless. Every day Eric came home to find me laying in bed, violently coughing, covered in flea bites and surrounded by piles of dirty clothes (because we had no way of washing them). It was probably the least romantic time in our entire marriage! It was certainly not what I had expected for our new life together. I spent a lot of time complaining, blaming Eric, and focusing on my difficult circumstances, rather than focusing on Christ. I had surrendered my love story to Him before marriage – now I needed to surrender my marriage to Him as well. I had to lay down my own expectations for what our married life should look like, and let Him script our life as He saw fit. Once I finally gave Him control, I began to see things from His perspective. I was able to laugh at everything we were going through and let the trials only draw Eric and I closer together.

Eric: I had to learn the hard way that, in my own strength, I could not be the hero that Leslie had always dreamed of. In the beginning of our marriage, it was easy for me to try to fix everything and solve all of our problems. But I always fell short, and I would get frustrated with myself. I had to learn to lean completely on Jesus Christ – to let Him love Leslie through me. Only then was I able to get out of the way and point Leslie back to her true Bridegroom. When Christ was placed at the center of our relationship, our marriage began to thrive, even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

What does it mean to go under God’s surgical knife?

Marriage is too difficult an endeavor to undertake in our own strength. If we rely on our own ability to make our marriage work, we will eventually run out of steam. Unless we allow God to transform our lives – to completely re-make us from the inside out – we will achieve nothing more than a humanly-built mediocre marriage relationship. But if we allow Him full access to our life and heart, and if we submit to His operating knife, He can transform us into a “super-hero spouse”; one that loves like He loves. A marriage in which each spouse has been transformed and rebuilt by the God of the universe is one that will cause Heaven to stand and applaud. After all, God is the One who invented the concept of marriage – so who else can fully equip us to do it right?

Is it healthy to come into a marriage with expectations for your spouse?

Most of us come into marriage with selfish expectations. Marriage is a constant decision to either yield to Christ or yield to your selfish wants. We want the comfortable chair, we want to choose how to spend our time, we want to decide where to keep our mountain bike, and most of all, we want our spouse to constantly meet our needs and serve our desires. Christ needs to re-program us to be concerned with what He wants, not what we want. Christ is far less concerned with helping us get “what we need out of this marriage” as He is with teaching us to yield to Him, to sacrifice our own personal agenda, and to lay down our life in service for our spouse, even if they are undeserving. Christ is not concerned with “balancing the scales” or “evening the score.” He hasn’t called us to give fifty percent to our marriage and expect our spouse to give the other fifty. He asks us to give one hundred percent to our marriage, even if our spouse is not giving one hundred percent in return.

How does a couple go about determining what role each will play in the home and dividing household responsibilities?

The first ninety days of marriage is the ideal time to come up with a plan for tackling all of life’s many responsibilities. It’s easy to assume that your husband will handle the finances or that your wife will do all the cooking, but those assumptions can lead to resentment and daily friction in marriage if not discussed ahead of time. If you and your spouse can learn to work together to conquer the daily tasks of life, then you will experience a level of success and fulfillment most modern couples only dream of. You will be ten times more effective as a team than if you try to tackle life separately. Take some time to sit down as a couple and talk through each area of day-to-day life. Decide which areas each of you will be in charge of individually, and which areas you will handle together. If you take time now to agree upon who will do what, you can avoid years of frustration and friction.

As you sit down to discuss the various areas of daily life, be sure that you aren’t taking unnecessary assumptions into the conversation. Guys, if your mother always picked up your dirty laundry and had three hot meals on the table every day, that doesn’t mean your wife needs to follow in her footsteps. Girls, if your dad spent every weekend repairing the roof or staining the deck, that doesn’t mean your husband must do the same. Remember that you are starting a new family unit – and your individual responsibilities need to be tailor-made to fit your unique life together.

Why is it important to keep a marriage private? Isn’t it helpful to get advice from others?

During the beginning of your husband-and-wife relationship, learning to “leave and cleave” is absolutely vital to the long-term health of your marriage. It’s easy to default to old habits – especially when it comes to asking for advice from others. Maybe your parents have always been your sounding board. Maybe you have a mentor or best friend that always helps you gain clearer perspective on your life. But now that you are married, your spouse should become your new primary consultant for all of life’s perplexities. While it can still be healthy at times to gain outside input and exhortation, it is usually best to do so as a couple. When confusing circumstances hit, let your spouse be the first person you go to. Ask her for her input. Ask him for his thoughts. And take your spouse’s advice seriously. Even if you need advice in an area you don’t think your spouse knows much about – like finances or career decisions – your spouse has special insight into your life. He or she observes you closer than anyone else. So listen to what your spouse has to say. This is not to say that you must cut off relationship with your family members or stop sharing things with your close friends. But it is vital that you learn to make your spouse your primary depository for sharing your feelings, fears, hopes and dreams.

Whenever we are going through a time of confusion, we like to steal away to a coffee shop and talk. Eric is a great sounding board for me as I try to gain a big-picture view of my life and where I am headed. And when Eric needs to wrap his mind around a foggy set of circumstances, I help talk him through the process. Going to your spouse first, protects the unity of your marriage and strengthens the foundation of your new family.

What do you mean when you say that spouses should study each other?

The first ninety days of marriage is the perfect time to study your spouse at a deeper level; to begin to really understand what makes him or her tick. Don’t just assume that you already know your spouse. Your spouse’s heart and mind is an endless frontier to be discovered. If you treat marriage as a daily opportunity to learn more and more about your spouse, you will be amazed at the depth of friendship and intimacy you can find. You learn to meet your spouse’s need the way they need it met; not just the way you think it needs to be met.

Take some time to sit down with your spouse and explore each other’s unique gifts, desires, passions, and purpose. Marriage was not meant to become routine and dull over time – there is always more intimacy and romance to discover if you seek to know your spouse more and more with every passing day.

How does a newly married couple create a sanctuary in their home?

As a couple, you have a choice how you will live out your married life together. You can either have a lifestyle that reflects Heaven’s beauty, or you can have a lifestyle that showcases this world’s crazed frenzy. The art of sanctuary consists of two very important elements: sacred time and sacred space.

Sacred Time: Being around each other during the everyday normal stuff of life is not sacred time, it’s ordinary time. Ordinary time can be delightful, but sacred time is enchanted. Sacred time is of a completely different nature than ordinary time. It’s focused time specifically designed to adore and cherish a spouse. It’s private, it’s guarded, it’s intentional. Life’s cares and concerns are not allowed inside sacred time. Fascinating news about the next door neighbor’s successful gall-bladder surgery is not allowed inside sacred time. Even writing this paragraph about sacred time in marriage is not allowed inside sacred time. Sacred time must be exactly that – sacred and set-apart, a time to focus only on each other.

Sacred Space: A couple’s bedroom is the perfect training ground for sanctuary excellence. Since the bedroom is the location for the most intimate and sacred activities of a marriage, it’s also a great place to start protecting and preserving all that is truly important to a couple. Make your bedroom a private preserve. Guard it, keep it clean, keep it beautiful, and make it a place that you as a couple love to be. Treat it as a set-apart place, an alcove of enchantment, a place untouched by the outside world, reserved just for the private enjoyment of you and your spouse